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Jokes

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just got married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.


"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly,
explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's,
then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's,
and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.


(Wait for it)

She smiled and explained,

"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

(Oh, just hush-up and send this one on to somebody who needs a laugh)
 
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Funny, but not funny.
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My favourite was on my last job site. We were taking apart some site infrastructure and needed the crane to remove the components. Guy on the structure had to tie off, unbolt the assembly staged for removal, and then lead the piece up as the crane lifted.

MP: STOP!
Him: WTF MP? Eff off you're disturbing and slowing us down! Stupid white hat.
MP: Whatcha tied off to?
Him: Right here you dumb F@#k....
MP: And what's that?
Him: Son of a .... oh snap ... ok thanks MP

Guy was tied off to the piece being lifted by the crane. Crane operator couldn't see him so was just about to lift the assembly with the guy tied off to it.

Other job site:

- all clear guys, lift the shitter up!
- crane starts lifting
- STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP!

Fattest guy on site jumps out of the porta potty with it about 4ft off the ground with his pants around his legs...

And the last one...

Buddy is cutting a board on a table saw, holding the proper way and all that jazz. Other guy comes up behind him, slaps him on the back 'hey how's it going bud!'

ZZZZIIIPPPP

3 fingers gone because the guy's grip slipped when he got slapped on the back. Turns around and punches the guy out before going to the hospital.

Good ol 'stubs'...
 
The story went that the site construction elevator, crane controlled or?? was going down empty so the operator let it free fall most of the way. He didn't see the guy dive under the door as it was closing.
 
I unplugged a saw on a guy in a similar situation. He was holding the board with his hand under the cut line. I asked him wtf he was doing and he didn't see the issue. Circular saw is on top, hand is below. I told him to never touch a saw again. Fack.
Was he making a Freedom sign?
 
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Buddy is cutting a board on a table saw, holding the proper way and all that jazz. Other guy comes up behind him, slaps him on the back 'hey how's it going bud!'

ZZZZIIIPPPP

3 fingers gone because the guy's grip slipped when he got slapped on the back. Turns around and punches the guy out before going to the hospital.

Good ol 'stubs'...
I cut a finger once working with a cabinet maker friend hanging around. Fortunately not badly, just a band-aid needed.

I was trimming of an inch of 1X2 on my tablesaw (with guards removed for clarity) and he reached in with his hand to clear the off-cut. I was so stunned I shut down the saw and had to do something to bleach the move from my eyes, ending up cutting my finger on a hand plane.

Him: "Where I worked, we never wasted time if there is something little thing we could do."
 

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