jokes
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Slim Jim
Well-known member
I have never understood why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. The passion starts to heat up, when she eventually said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She then responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just
love me for who I am and not for what I do in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to
sleep...
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend
time with her.
We went out to a good lunch and then went shopping at a very big
department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several
different very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy
them all.
She wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes, so I said
"Let's get a pair for each outfit".
We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair
of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because she then asked for
a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the
excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this
is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I
don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a
baffled "WHAT?"
I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a
while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough
for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I
added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I
buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. The passion starts to heat up, when she eventually said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She then responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just
love me for who I am and not for what I do in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to
sleep...
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend
time with her.
We went out to a good lunch and then went shopping at a very big
department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several
different very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy
them all.
She wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes, so I said
"Let's get a pair for each outfit".
We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair
of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because she then asked for
a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the
excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this
is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I
don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a
baffled "WHAT?"
I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a
while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough
for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I
added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I
buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either
Don't know but it was entertaining
Newfie walks into a bar. Sits down beside this gorgeous blonde, orders a beer and starts making the moves on her. She cuts him off and says "don't even bother, I'm a lesbian". Newfie says what's that? Blonde says " see that brunette over there? I would love to bury my face between her legs!"
Newfie yells to the bartender to bring champagne instead. Bartender brings it over and asks what ya celebrating? Newfie says " lard tunderin jeezus bye, I just found out that I'm a lesbian!"
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Newfie yells to the bartender to bring champagne instead. Bartender brings it over and asks what ya celebrating? Newfie says " lard tunderin jeezus bye, I just found out that I'm a lesbian!"
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Slim Jim
Well-known member
A Montana Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson, from Missoula, Montana. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my 'Johnson', so now, I'm, Just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.....
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson, from Missoula, Montana. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my 'Johnson', so now, I'm, Just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.....
Ah, you're making me blush ?
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Don't you mean Dav?
**having a hell of a time trying to come up with a witty comeback**
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Well call me Captain Underpants then.You can't, it's legit:
Tough crowd.
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