Stabbing someone in person is much more different than the Duke Nukem experiences you're accustomed to. First, you'd have to stop hermitting and step outside. Then, after your eyes adjust to the sunlight, you'd have to weild that butterknife with your weakly arms. If you're still able to rise to your feet after I've put my boot to your head a few times, I'd put you back down so you scrape the bubblegum off my shoe, just so you can get some use out of your tools.
Then you can put that up on craigslist, so I can reply with some stupid offers.
That's asking too much.