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Jokes
- Thread starter ifiddles
- Start date
DownUnder
Well-known member
No wonder Trudeaus budgets balance themselves.
A couple in their 50's are chatting over coffees and she says to her hubby: "If I died would you remarry?"
Hubby "What's with the silly talk?"
Wife: "Humour me. Would you?"
Hubby: "It's a silly question but I suppose I would. You know I can't cook or clean."
Wife: "Did you have anyone in mind?"
Hubby: "Of course not. You're being silly."
Wife: "Would you live with her in our house?"
Hubby: "I suppose I would. It's a good house in a good area but you're being silly."
Wife: "Did you have anyone in mind?"
Hubby: "No I don't have anyone in mind, silly."
Wife: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
Hubby: "I suppose I would. The mattress is very good for my back but you're being silly."
Wife: "Did you have anyone in mind?"
Hubby: "No. I don't have anyone in mind."
Wife: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
Hubby: "Of course not, She's left handed."
Hubby "What's with the silly talk?"
Wife: "Humour me. Would you?"
Hubby: "It's a silly question but I suppose I would. You know I can't cook or clean."
Wife: "Did you have anyone in mind?"
Hubby: "Of course not. You're being silly."
Wife: "Would you live with her in our house?"
Hubby: "I suppose I would. It's a good house in a good area but you're being silly."
Wife: "Did you have anyone in mind?"
Hubby: "No I don't have anyone in mind, silly."
Wife: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
Hubby: "I suppose I would. The mattress is very good for my back but you're being silly."
Wife: "Did you have anyone in mind?"
Hubby: "No. I don't have anyone in mind."
Wife: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
Hubby: "Of course not, She's left handed."
A pirate walked into a bar.
He had a wooden leg, an eye patch and a hook for a hand. The bartender was curious. "How did you get that wooden leg?" he asked.
The pirate took a swig of ale. "'Twas a terrible sea battle. I stood bravely, directly facing 12 cannons.All they managed to hit was my leg."
The bartender said "What about your hook?"
The pirate took another long swig. "Arrrr, twas the day the British navy caught me. They tied me to the mast, I escaped by gnawing my own hand off."
The bartender was growing sceptical. "And how did you get that eyepatch?"
The pirate took another swig. "Twas a mutiny. Me own crew left me marrooned on a desert island. But I had no fear. I lay down on the sand to wait to be rescued. As i looked up, a seagull flew over and pooped in me eye."
The bartender said "That's ridiculous, no one loses an eye from bird muck."
The pirate finished his ale in one gulp, and grimaced. "Twas the first day with the hook."
He had a wooden leg, an eye patch and a hook for a hand. The bartender was curious. "How did you get that wooden leg?" he asked.
The pirate took a swig of ale. "'Twas a terrible sea battle. I stood bravely, directly facing 12 cannons.All they managed to hit was my leg."
The bartender said "What about your hook?"
The pirate took another long swig. "Arrrr, twas the day the British navy caught me. They tied me to the mast, I escaped by gnawing my own hand off."
The bartender was growing sceptical. "And how did you get that eyepatch?"
The pirate took another swig. "Twas a mutiny. Me own crew left me marrooned on a desert island. But I had no fear. I lay down on the sand to wait to be rescued. As i looked up, a seagull flew over and pooped in me eye."
The bartender said "That's ridiculous, no one loses an eye from bird muck."
The pirate finished his ale in one gulp, and grimaced. "Twas the first day with the hook."
Green Meenie
Well-known member
Is that a crossbar for a roofrack or an %#Shole light?
Green Meenie
Well-known member
ifiddles
Well-known member
@Green Meenie LMAO...thanks for that...
Green Meenie
Well-known member
During the church service the pastor asked if anyone would like to comment on the power of prayer.
Susan stood and walked to the podium. She said,”Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”
There was a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation.
“Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and they were able to reconstruct the crushed remains of Phil’s scrotum, using wire to reinforce and shape it.”
The men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably.
“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time his scrotum should recover completely.” Susan went back toward her seat.
All the men in the congregation sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said “I’m Phil.”
The entire congregation held its breath.
Phil continued “I just wanted to tell my wife the word is sternum, not scrotum.”
Susan stood and walked to the podium. She said,”Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”
There was a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation.
“Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and they were able to reconstruct the crushed remains of Phil’s scrotum, using wire to reinforce and shape it.”
The men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably.
“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time his scrotum should recover completely.” Susan went back toward her seat.
All the men in the congregation sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said “I’m Phil.”
The entire congregation held its breath.
Phil continued “I just wanted to tell my wife the word is sternum, not scrotum.”
I apparently paused for too long and the wife had to elbow me to respond.I did squeeze that into the vows
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