A horse walks into a bar and walks up to the bartender. The bartender looks at the horse and says "Hey, why the long face."
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The recession has hit everybody really hard...
My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
If the bank returns your cheque marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
And, finally....
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
If the bank returns your cheque marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
And, finally....
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
niagara_ridder
Well-known member
How do you turn a fox into an elephant
You marry it
You marry it
[FONT="]Let's resurrect this thread...
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple of days later the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."[/FONT]
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple of days later the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."[/FONT]
A while back, when I was considerably younger
I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home
I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.
She ordered the most expensive items on the menu.
Shrimp cocktail. Lobster Patron. Champagne .
I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"
"No," she replied. "But my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight."
I said "What would you like for dessert?"
Stole this from another forum
I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home
I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.
She ordered the most expensive items on the menu.
Shrimp cocktail. Lobster Patron. Champagne .
I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"
"No," she replied. "But my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight."
I said "What would you like for dessert?"
Stole this from another forum
Well, it is not a pretty story.... about 200 dead crows near Halifax, and there was concern for Avian Flu.
They had a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief. However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact. The Province then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kill.
The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in short order. When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "CAH", but he could not say "TRUCK."
And this one as well.
They had a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief. However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact. The Province then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kill.
The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in short order. When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "CAH", but he could not say "TRUCK."
And this one as well.
johnp
Well-known member
Neil Armstrong, first man on the moon, was being interviewed.
The TV dude asks: "How did you come up with those immortal words: 'A small step for a man, a great leap forward for mankind.'"
Armstrong says, "Well, uh, there was some static, and I didn't exactly say that. What I said was a "A small step for a man, a great leap forward for Manny Klein."
TV dude says: "What? Manny Klein? Who is Manny Klein?"
Armstrong says: "Oh Manny was a great guy. We roomed together in college. I was his best man. When he came back from his honeymoon, I asked him how it went. Manny was upset. He had asked his new wife for a bj, and she said "Yeah. Right. When men are walking on the moon! ""
The TV dude asks: "How did you come up with those immortal words: 'A small step for a man, a great leap forward for mankind.'"
Armstrong says, "Well, uh, there was some static, and I didn't exactly say that. What I said was a "A small step for a man, a great leap forward for Manny Klein."
TV dude says: "What? Manny Klein? Who is Manny Klein?"
Armstrong says: "Oh Manny was a great guy. We roomed together in college. I was his best man. When he came back from his honeymoon, I asked him how it went. Manny was upset. He had asked his new wife for a bj, and she said "Yeah. Right. When men are walking on the moon! ""
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kickstartt
Well-known member
A salesman is driving toward home in northern Ontario when he sees an Indian thumbing for a ride on the side of the road.
As the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Indian gets in.
After a bit of small talk, the Indian notices a brown bag on the front seat. "What's in bag?", the Indian asks the driver.
The driver says, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."
The Indian is silent for a moment then says, "Good trade."
What's the difference between a used car salesman and a software salesmen?
Only the used car salesemen knows when he lying.
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A new sales assistant was hired at a large department store. On his first day, the sales manager took him around to show him the ropes. They were passing by the gardening section, when they heard a customer asking for grass seed. The sales manager stepped in.
Sales manager: Excuse me, but will you be needing a hose to water your lawn?
Customer : I guess so. I'll take one.
Sales manager: And how about some fertilizer and weed-killer?
Customer : Um, okay.
Sales manager: Here's a couple of bags. You'll also need a lawn mower to cut the grass when it starts growing too long.
Customer : I'll take one of those too.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]After the customer left, the sales manager turned to the assistant. "You see?" he said, "that's the way to make a good sale. Always sell more than what the customer originally came in for."[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Impressed, the assistant headed off for the pharmaceutical section, where he was to work. Soon, a man strolled in.
Man: I'd like to buy a pack of Tampax, please.
Sales assistant: Sure, and would you like to buy a lawn mower too?
Man: Why would I want to do that?
Sales assistant: Well, your weekend's shot to hell anyway, so you might as well mow the lawn.[/FONT]
As the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Indian gets in.
After a bit of small talk, the Indian notices a brown bag on the front seat. "What's in bag?", the Indian asks the driver.
The driver says, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."
The Indian is silent for a moment then says, "Good trade."
What's the difference between a used car salesman and a software salesmen?
Only the used car salesemen knows when he lying.
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A new sales assistant was hired at a large department store. On his first day, the sales manager took him around to show him the ropes. They were passing by the gardening section, when they heard a customer asking for grass seed. The sales manager stepped in.
Sales manager: Excuse me, but will you be needing a hose to water your lawn?
Customer : I guess so. I'll take one.
Sales manager: And how about some fertilizer and weed-killer?
Customer : Um, okay.
Sales manager: Here's a couple of bags. You'll also need a lawn mower to cut the grass when it starts growing too long.
Customer : I'll take one of those too.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]After the customer left, the sales manager turned to the assistant. "You see?" he said, "that's the way to make a good sale. Always sell more than what the customer originally came in for."[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Impressed, the assistant headed off for the pharmaceutical section, where he was to work. Soon, a man strolled in.
Man: I'd like to buy a pack of Tampax, please.
Sales assistant: Sure, and would you like to buy a lawn mower too?
Man: Why would I want to do that?
Sales assistant: Well, your weekend's shot to hell anyway, so you might as well mow the lawn.[/FONT]
the other night...my wife was standing naked in front of the bedroom mirror looking rather sad
she says to me...."look at me...I'm getting old....my boobs are dropping....my bum is sagging...I'm getting a belly and my legs are flabby....say something nice to me"
so I said...."you're eyesight is damn near perfect"
she says to me...."look at me...I'm getting old....my boobs are dropping....my bum is sagging...I'm getting a belly and my legs are flabby....say something nice to me"
so I said...."you're eyesight is damn near perfect"
After that, the doctor told you you'd walk again, but you'll always have a limp.
I saw an old guy park his car in a handicap spot the other day.
He then walks out of the car, no cane or anything.
I'm like "WTF?", this guy doesn't need to park there! So I started beating the crap out of him.
I feel sorry for his wife though, she seemed to have a hard time rolling her wheelchair...
He then walks out of the car, no cane or anything.
I'm like "WTF?", this guy doesn't need to park there! So I started beating the crap out of him.
I feel sorry for his wife though, she seemed to have a hard time rolling her wheelchair...
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